For the record

I hate mornings, I really hate cold mornings, and I loathe cold mornings where I have to get up and go to work.
It's time to win the lottery and move to a south sea island occupied with bronzed bikini ladies to serve me food and booze and suchlike.
Maybe I should actually buy a lottery ticket.
Then again it's more likely statistically speaking I'll get hit by a meteor, so perhaps I'll just start wearing a hard hat whenever I'm outside at night

Year of the spleen

I now officially nominate 2002 "International year of the spleen", this most underrated of words shall rise up to grasp you by the throat and make impact your life throughout this year to come, just read these carefully calculated Horoscopes to see how the spleen will effect you;

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Great things will come to pass for you in the coming year when your spouse suddenly develops a intense interest in body organs.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You will be convicted for a crime you did not commit and imprisioned in a maximum security facility, whereupon you will escape using only a spleen.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Your job will advance in leaps and bounds when you suddenly find out how to blackmail your boss for selling body organs.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Your dreams will come true this year! Unfortunately it's the ones that you'd really rather forget about where your spleen explodes and covers the world in custard.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
No amount of exercise this year is going to change the fact that you mistakenly bought clothes two sizes too small, go and vent yourself at the sales assistant.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your sense of adventure will send you to a faraway place that you have only ever dreamed of where you will recieve a strange feeling in your spleen. Unfortunately this place is Bolton.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Your house will mysterious get hit my a shower of spleen shaped meteors that turn out to be alien lifeforms who instantly assume you are the leader of earth and kidnap you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Your firm belief in your principles will be shattered when they are torn apart in weekly slots in the sunday times's news column by Mr.V.Y.Spleen.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You lack of understanding of the basics of gravity finally are your undoing when you float off the planet entirely and embed yourself in the moon. Astonomers name the crater 'The sea of spleen'

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will finally achieve fame this year! However this is unfortunately because a rare virus takes up residence in your spleen and you are carted off to a labratory for experiments.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
The planets will strongly effect your emotions these next few months, followed by other programs on TV. Your spleen fits in there somewhere, trust me.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Um, spleen, yes, definately, a huge spleen will appear above your head and fortell your demise, before squashing you.

Or maybe I'm just talking rot.