If smarties have the answer, why aren't they telling?

[robinbloke]

Answers are hard things to come by, ask any politician about scandal X (involving a fruitbat, three litres of liquidised cheese and a Harley Davidson) and they'll happily talk about the failed policies of the other party. Ask your boss about a raise and they'll take a firm interest in the football results of last night. It all goes back, if you ever asked your parents where babies come from they probably told you something about a stork or a cabbage patch, which may have led you to believe that all children were actually manufactured in South Korea under exclusive license.

Throughout history people have used religion, alchemy, casting bones, the weather, the movements of planets far far away, small pieces of putty, nicely painted cards and even economics, rational thought and reasoning in order to provide answers. More often than not, as the way of these predictive things goes, they're wrong. I mean take a look at the weather, how often does the Beeb weather service tell you it's going to snow/hail/shine/rain polar bears? All the time. And all too often you're left standing in your back garden holding a giant net waiting for ursine precipitation to no avail.

You can't trust anyones predictions these days. But the answers are out there, I have seen the light - I as a sugar based lifeform have now realised the true way of answering all lifes ills¹, sugar! I have seen it before with the amazing predictive nature and herding instincts of smarties, a pack I'd bought previously formed interesting shapes and worryingly asymmetrical colour schemes. Surely they were trying to tell me something? Trying to communicate with me and give me answers to the core of lifes secrets. I was still wondering that when I ate the last one.

However today I have purchased an official mystic pack of sugar - I know that's what it is, because it says so on the packet² and now it is here today to answer all your questions!

If you're still with me that is, lets just try and wake a few people up...

The mystic pack of sugar will answer all your questions!

Just ask me a question and the mystic sugar will answer in it's own unfathomable way, and I being the guru of sugar shall fathom it's unknowable knowledge.

Answers available as long as the sugar survives³.

Update:
All the sugar is now eaten. The time of dextrose guruification has passed.



1 To within 50% tolerance.
2 In biro.
3 Disclaimer: Some answers may be obfuscated through the sugar screaming for help.

Comments

[lupie-stardust.livejournal.com]

You are harcdorely awesome to be able to make me laugh at this time in the morning.

[lupie-stardust.livejournal.com]

Oh - I have a question for the mystic pack of sugar! Where, oh mystic pack of sugar, lieth mine nice black bra, you know, that one with the bow in the middle that's always the wrong way up and sticks out between my boobs like a sort of flag?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Oh mystic sugar, speak to us, uncover the location of the lacy black bra, use your carbohydrate goodness to locate Lupies underware with your insight.
I'm hearing a voice in my head....
The mystic sugar has spoken, the answer is "Africa".

I'd suggest you check under the elephant grass or any raffia baskets you might have.

[lupie-stardust.livejournal.com]

I found it! It was, er, next to my pink fluffy pencilcase.

Huzah!

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Ah pencils, distant cousins to elephant grass.

:)

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

I also do parties and barmitzvahs.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

Are the puffins likely to mutiny? they say I am their leader but I can't read their minds.

Help me sugar

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

The sugar hears your concerns, the affairs of the international puffin conspiracy are dear to it's dextrose heart.
It has given me... a vision! Row upon row of puffins and penguins standing in line together, unity for the monochrome avians! Together they are plotting, scheming and deciding the fate of nations themselves.
The reason that you cannot read their mind is that the penguin diplomats hidden amoungst their midst are distrubing your vodka-charged mind reading powers.

Fear not, all is well.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

jolly good, thank you oh wise one

[silja.livejournal.com]

Who should I vote for in the upcomming General Election?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Ooo a tough political one. But sugar is (hopefully) up to the task... let me (chomp chomp burp) channel the (hiccup) energies and see.
Mmmm sugar rush.
Whoa, righty; according to the scattering of the sugary crystals and colours you should vote for Fianna Fáil or the Green party, the sugar seems a little unclear as to which as it has a difficult time indicating shades of green, especially since I keep eating it.

[silja.livejournal.com]

Interesting variety there... thank you, oh sugar deity!

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Oh Great And Wondrous Mystic Pack Of Sugar ("GAWMPOS"), where are my shed keys?

Also, Oh GAWMPOS, should I participate in the Cannonball Run this year?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

The sugar is searching for your keys... it speaks to me and says....
Vegetables? Do you have vegetables in your house? Ahhhhhh! The power of sugar is being blocked by their evil presence, I can only suggest you search carefully through areas of high veggie concentration in order to find your keys, because the sugar cannot penetrate their evil.

On the subject of the cannonball run, the sugar is strawberry with a hint of lemon; sounds like it thinks it'll be a lot of fun but a bit bitter at times. Yes! Yes! It is telling you to go but to watch those dastardly left hand corners, they'll be a doosey!

[squirmelia.livejournal.com]

When will the world end?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

A worthy question indeed; for the sugar itself, the world is probably going to end in less than two hours at the rate I'm eating it.
However, the current survivors have banded together to form a committee to sue me for sugacide and gross abuse of glucose, thankfully one of their independantly funded research groups happened to come up with an answer to your question when they got bored of playing 'Minesweeper'; and the answer is

2546, June 21st at 16:27.

[squirmelia.livejournal.com]

I'll set my alarm for then. Thank the research groups for me!

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

Oh mystical sugar, whose crystaline knowledge holds answers mere mortals would cower before...

Was doing this really a good idea?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Was doing this really a good idea? The sugar has already spoken on this issue as one of it's number has managed to escape my digestive clutches and run away. I expect to be kidnapped by a extremist sugar terrorist group in a few weeks after it has returned for revenge. So maybe it's a bad idea for me but a good idea for the sugar.

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

All ills except Type 2 diabetes.

O mystical sugar, reveal your mgihty knowledge...how the hell do I use EMS crystal files in my program?

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

Oh no! I invoked the mgihty knowledge instead of the mighty knowledge. Now I'll never know!

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

The mystic sugar cares little for spelling, only trtuh! Ahem.
Asking a selection of sugary treats about your problem they seem to be of the opinion that you should split the files up, work at them to seek simularities and common um, things. They get a bit vague at this point and seem to be trying to make their way to the pub.

[gerald_duck]

Dear mystical pack of sugar:

Why does Robin keep saying "it's" when he means "its"?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

The sugar seems similarly confused about this point as you are, however it is of the opinion that any distraction that slows me down from eating it has to be good and siderailed me into an entire conversation about my widespread abuse of the comma.

That said I ate the argumentative sweetener anyway.

[the-magician.livejournal.com]

Oh wise and mighty pack of sugar upon whose beneficence I have spent too many hours and hence become Type II diabetic ...

a) with my car engine dead, should I get it repaired, replace it with a cheaper car, replace it with a more expensive car or something funnier?
b) Splenda tastes like sugar because it's made from sugar ... does it still have the same mystical properties? If so, do I use the small tablets or the white floaty powder to divine the future?

Thank you sugar and your worthy interpreter and consumer Robin

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Alas, the sugar is now deceased and can offer no opinion other than morbid thoughts as to my demise as I digest it.

Hmmmm, splenda, I've not tried that, I know and can taste aspartame and saccharin in something and bleh bleh bleh! Foul after tasting sugary substitutes. Ick.

[the-magician.livejournal.com]

*sad* bye bye mystic sugar ... may your journey through robinbloke intestines and onward into his blood bring you happiness as you kill off his insulin and lead him to a painful, blind and limbless death (or is that just me!)

I like Splenda ... if you're going to try it I'd suggest going for the little pills first as they are closer to being pure Splenda, while the powdery stuff is 99% maltodextrin and only 1% splenda (sucralose)