42

[robinbloke]

Since the dawn of humanity, creation, nay time itself the universe has been plagued with a fundamental conundrum. One that has left the greatest thinkers and wisest minds of history scratching their heads and ultimately at a loss of what to do.

In the time of the great Greek philosophers, decades were known to have been lost in pursuit of a solution; the descent of the dark ages upon western Europe are suspected to have been all because of a failed bid to solve it; JFK himself is known to have been ready with a secret address to congress with a solution for the problem when he was assassinated.

But now, after millennia of queries, questions and pondering I have a solution to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything...



Why don't my socks ever match up?

For yes, I have a solution so cunning, so simple that it will shake the very bedrock of civilisation itself.

This very evening I will hold an purge of all socks¹ in my house. No sock will escape; every single one will be rounded up - be they in wash bin, on a drying line or hidden in a drawer somewhere. Even the floor will be scoured for any sock that might try to hide.

They will be herded out to a place of quiet tranquillity, music of quiet mood and gentle ambiance will be played to ensure that they are completely relaxed and their fate that will follow entirely humane².
Then I will slaughter them, every one. Each and every sock will be destroyed utterly, torn to shreds and pieces to ensure that not a single one remains whole to return to the drawer and cause the problem to arise once more. Once utterly dead they will be placed in a sterile opaque black plastic bag and placed outside, in the bin, for the day they are taken away forever.

For, in replacement and kept at an entirely different location in a sealed airtight container I will have, in readiness, 10 pairs of entirely new perfectly matched black socks. These socks will be brought into the drawer with songs of cheerful delight, music of up-tempo beat and a soothing, friendly air to welcome them into a loving, caring society. A veritable sock paradise.

All memory of the socks of yesteryear will be erased, it will be as if they never lived.

Officially the government will deny their existence. Conspiracy theories may arise but they will be ruthlessly quashed.

Only the new socks will remain.






1 Well, all black socks. Trying to solve the problem of the black sock/white sock mix-up crisis is beyond even me.
2 Or sockane?

Comments

[crocodilewings.livejournal.com]

Only ever buy the same kind of sock, ever. After about four years you'll eventually breed out the older strains of sock, and no matter which sock you wear with which, they'll match.

[velvetfox.livejournal.com]

My new socks are coming in the post this morning - Im a sock snob and only have new socks from one place :)

[emperor]

Clinical waste should go in yellow sacks, you know.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

It should, but if I get some yellow sacks in the socks will... cotton on to what I'm doing.

[velvetfox.livejournal.com]

My new socks are coming in the post this morning - Im a sock snob and only have new socks from one place :)

[emperor]

But surely it would still be ny-lon impossible for them to escape?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

There are moves afoot to ensure that there will be no escape.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Posh socks?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Ah, I considered a progressive breeding program to ensure that only the new generation of socks would survive but I decided a complete purge was in order to ensure that no agents remained to contaminate the next generation.

[emperor]

Well, good luck with bringing them all to heel. Will the new ones all toe the line, though?

[crocodilewings.livejournal.com]

Sock Eugenics. It is the way forward.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

Which is?

[velvetfox.livejournal.com]

Whoops I answered twice. No, not posh, just happen to be one particular type.

[velvetfox.livejournal.com]

Next, just because they deliver. and they're black and basic and dont hide behind the radiator.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

An more of an exclusive sock buyer then?

[velvetfox.livejournal.com]

They match each other. I only use them in boots these days anyway.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

I'm going to put my heart and sole into the project, I'll boot them into line.

[emperor]

Socks can be darned inconvenient, can't they?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Thats the thing about feet; give them an inch, they'll take a yard.

[scy11a.livejournal.com]

I used to get 'uniform' socks from work in navy (almost black!) and so have drawers of almost identical socks. Beware the false security of buying one brand. Soon the older tribe members start to pale, much the same way as the dominant male gorilla develops a distinctive silver coat. Age also brings on decripitude, whereby the sock begins not only to fade, but to waste away bodily towards nothingness. When such a sock is washed with some plump young upstart of a sock of the same breed, things invariably get out of control, and before you know it, your old sock who should know better has taken on the role of sugar-daddy and shacked up with some bright younger model, and you're back to odd socks again. Grrr.

[suzerain.livejournal.com]

it'll never work....
at least one will remain in hiding, lurking in a wretched corner untill it's too late and will have whispered sinister words to the new arrivals and they'll secretly start plotting to undermine your rule all too quickly. by christmas, they'll have sent for reinforcements via a relative, and you'll be back at square one....

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

Just what I wanted to say.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

I will instigate a yearly (or less) purge policy, each sock set will have a set lifetime and then they will once again be purged, purged with the sword!

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

We'll see; I know where they hide, I know their tricks...

[necro-angel.livejournal.com]

Oh gods thoes were terrible puns *holds head*

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

you KNOW you'll find all the OTHER single socks after you've done that, don't you? And they'll be after revenge

[whotheheckami.livejournal.com]

You do realise that you probably have some of Kate's and probably mine, the boys and Pixie's in amongst your orphans and some of yours wil be mournfully creeping around our laundry cupboard too!

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

So far it's all quiet in the sock DMZ, no rogue sock has raised it's head but I'm still being careful.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Then you should instigate a sock purge too!

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

they're making battle plans