robinbloke | It's all in the mind.

Think of an animal, any animal.
Now multiply by three, this is your special animal quotent index. Write this down on a piece of paper in a shape and colour of your own choosing.
Next, create a paper airplane using this piece of paper making no more folds on it than there are letters in the name of the animal.
Stand well back from any obstructions and throw your airplane from a level position at shoulder height parallel to the ground. Do not pick it up.
Measure in paces how far this plane has travelled, remember this number and find a pack of cards and cut the deck this number of times, remove the top card after this. If it is a picture card take the first letter of the card name, otherwise take the letter of the number of the card (Three = T) instead.
This is your secret letter, but note the number of letters too for future work. This letter guides your destiny through all things, not only that it determines how many slices of cake you will get at your next birthday party.
Next, put on your favourite shoes or boots, or if feeling awkward remain barefooted.
Return to your paper plane and stomp it repeatedly until you are satisfied it is flat, count the number of times this takes. This number is your destruction index, this indicates on an open scale how many painful things you would like to do to your worst enemy. An index of zero means you cannot make paper planes.
Finally pick up a stopwatch and time removing your shoes. Note the amount of time in seconds. Multiply this time by the number of letters your noted earlier and subtract your destruction index, this indicates the amount of time in years you have left on this planet.