Government health warning
Jun. 22nd, 2003 09:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
robinblokeIt's the moment you've all been waiting for, released around the world to a star studded audience, the first ever episode of World War III and the Pumpkin king
All errors (save spelling which has been generally corrected, before my spellchecker killed itself) are as per the original. Footnotes have been added for reference.
Certificate UUUU 1
This story has been given a quadruple U certificate
World War III and the Pumpkin King.
It is advised that no-one with an IQ level of less than 4 should read this utter
rubbish, as it could affect your way of thinking badly.
Chapter 1 - Nose what I mean?
Eric was a goblin. He lived in goblinland with Alfred the Gnome and they were both very happy. They walked, they talked, they stole and they robbed, they kicked the pixies off their toadstools and they even dyed the fairy queens dress blue.
Then one day along came a twenty foot giant.
"Billy Bonny Banny Zanny wow!"2 said Eric and tripped over the 10 foot barge pole he was going to push Nermal3 the pixie off his toadstool with.
'What?' asked Alfred.
'Sorry,' said Eric, 'I forgot the script.'
Just then Alfred stepped on a large nose that happened to be growing out of the ground.
'Billy Bonny Banny Zanny wow!' said Eric. The nose went red and Alfred fell down the nostril.
'Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!' screamed Alfred as he fell down the giant nostril.
"Billy Bonny Banny Zannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!' yelled Eric as he fell down after Alfred. Finally they reached the bottom and were instantly transformed into a plug4 and a normal (by our standards) man.
'Gosh,' said Alfred 'I wonder where we spiffing well are.'
'Billy Bonny Banny Zanny wow!' replied the plug as it hopped along .
Then Alfred moved off to leave the plug (Eric) to become the first ever sink plug to offensively criticise the entire world’s economic system of custard production.
Alfred moved off (as I said) and found in one pocket of his dweed (like tweed by
cheaper and lower down the alphabet) coat he had a radio. Now Alfred (who has just
changed his name to Bert to protect the actions of the communists in Canada’s association for fruitbat production in a golfclub in case they press charges against him for calling himself a gnome and having the cheek to publish such an utterly useless story) turned on the radio and found he was listening to BBC1 who had just declared that the world turnip mountain had just been used by the world’s tallest man to feed his pet pig Durk.
So Bert (remember the note about the name change) walked off with radio 1 blaring in his ear and a bird twittering in the other.
Grabbing the bird he stuffed it in his pocket to see if it could sing when it couldn't see. This he did not know, but he did find out that a bird cannot sing when it has a penknife down its throat.
Chapter 2 - Bert declares war
Ahead down the road Bert saw a large House with some wire around it.
(This actually was an American missile base, but he didn't know this)
Plucking up courage (and a newspaper off the floor) he strode forwards to meet a guard holding a gun.
'Who goes there?' asked the guard.
'Where?' asked Burt (Who has changed his name again in case the bank of England decides to claim rights to the name Bert)
'There!' said the guard pointing where Bert had been.
'There?' asked Burt standing next to him.
'Here!' said the guard putting down his gun and walking over to where Burt had been.
'Who goes there?' asked Burt.
'Sergeant Dolkins' said the guard.
'Foe' said Bert and shot him.5 (Who has changed his name again to help the bank of
England’s profit margin)
Walking inside Bert noticed a large building with the words:
'No entry - missile controls - no Russians'
Glad that everyone was so friendly to him he accepted the invitation and walked in.
'Who are you?' asked a rabbit then bounced off to play Australia in the third test series.
Bert stepped over to a control panel marked 'Three stages to blowing up Russia.'
'1. Select how many missile 1,2,3, or all of them.'
'All of them' said Bert and a deep rumble came from outside.
'2. Press the Bang Bang Pop Pop Russians Dead, Yanks ain't (you don't expect a rhyme in this cheap story do you?') button.
Finding the button Bert pressed it.
Around the world every single American Missile ever made zoomed off towards Russian.
The Kremlin wondered if the British were filming WarGames II6 or if World War III had started. Taking a vote they chose number 2. And shot all their missile at America.
'3. Wait 4 minutes for the bang.'
Bert couldn't wait so he turned into a carrot changed his name to Fred (Because of the worlds.... oh don't worry) and teleported back to Goblin land, glad that he had greatly improved the goblinland/Earth relations.
Back on earth a man sold a pair of green socks.
Back on earth a man ate a biscuit.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
M!
Back on earth a single man (The only survivor) wondered why today the daily version of
'neighbours' was late!
The End
And good luck to all you sane people out there
(C) Robin 'my IQ is -54 what's yours?' Langridge 1989
Still reading? In that case Bye! (Unk7!Unk!Bing!Band!Bong! Weeee!)
---
Footnotes
1 Originally intended to indicate Unsuitable.
2 I have no idea where this phrase originated from.
3 Token Garfield reference, I was a big fan at the time.
4 Plug type unknown.
5 Possibly my first ever semi-Python inspired comedy skit.
6 Although I hadn't actually seen the original at this point.
7 The mystic legacy of the word 'unk' has sadly been lost to the mists of time8, suffice it to say at the time this word had great power in the world9 and loud was it's shouting across hill and vale.
8 and more importantly my lousy memory
9 Or at least the computer room
[Poll #148837]
All errors (save spelling which has been generally corrected, before my spellchecker killed itself) are as per the original. Footnotes have been added for reference.
Certificate UUUU 1
This story has been given a quadruple U certificate
World War III and the Pumpkin King.
It is advised that no-one with an IQ level of less than 4 should read this utter
rubbish, as it could affect your way of thinking badly.
Chapter 1 - Nose what I mean?
Eric was a goblin. He lived in goblinland with Alfred the Gnome and they were both very happy. They walked, they talked, they stole and they robbed, they kicked the pixies off their toadstools and they even dyed the fairy queens dress blue.
Then one day along came a twenty foot giant.
"Billy Bonny Banny Zanny wow!"2 said Eric and tripped over the 10 foot barge pole he was going to push Nermal3 the pixie off his toadstool with.
'What?' asked Alfred.
'Sorry,' said Eric, 'I forgot the script.'
Just then Alfred stepped on a large nose that happened to be growing out of the ground.
'Billy Bonny Banny Zanny wow!' said Eric. The nose went red and Alfred fell down the nostril.
'Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!' screamed Alfred as he fell down the giant nostril.
"Billy Bonny Banny Zannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!' yelled Eric as he fell down after Alfred. Finally they reached the bottom and were instantly transformed into a plug4 and a normal (by our standards) man.
'Gosh,' said Alfred 'I wonder where we spiffing well are.'
'Billy Bonny Banny Zanny wow!' replied the plug as it hopped along .
Then Alfred moved off to leave the plug (Eric) to become the first ever sink plug to offensively criticise the entire world’s economic system of custard production.
Alfred moved off (as I said) and found in one pocket of his dweed (like tweed by
cheaper and lower down the alphabet) coat he had a radio. Now Alfred (who has just
changed his name to Bert to protect the actions of the communists in Canada’s association for fruitbat production in a golfclub in case they press charges against him for calling himself a gnome and having the cheek to publish such an utterly useless story) turned on the radio and found he was listening to BBC1 who had just declared that the world turnip mountain had just been used by the world’s tallest man to feed his pet pig Durk.
So Bert (remember the note about the name change) walked off with radio 1 blaring in his ear and a bird twittering in the other.
Grabbing the bird he stuffed it in his pocket to see if it could sing when it couldn't see. This he did not know, but he did find out that a bird cannot sing when it has a penknife down its throat.
Chapter 2 - Bert declares war
Ahead down the road Bert saw a large House with some wire around it.
(This actually was an American missile base, but he didn't know this)
Plucking up courage (and a newspaper off the floor) he strode forwards to meet a guard holding a gun.
'Who goes there?' asked the guard.
'Where?' asked Burt (Who has changed his name again in case the bank of England decides to claim rights to the name Bert)
'There!' said the guard pointing where Bert had been.
'There?' asked Burt standing next to him.
'Here!' said the guard putting down his gun and walking over to where Burt had been.
'Who goes there?' asked Burt.
'Sergeant Dolkins' said the guard.
'Foe' said Bert and shot him.5 (Who has changed his name again to help the bank of
England’s profit margin)
Walking inside Bert noticed a large building with the words:
'No entry - missile controls - no Russians'
Glad that everyone was so friendly to him he accepted the invitation and walked in.
'Who are you?' asked a rabbit then bounced off to play Australia in the third test series.
Bert stepped over to a control panel marked 'Three stages to blowing up Russia.'
'1. Select how many missile 1,2,3, or all of them.'
'All of them' said Bert and a deep rumble came from outside.
'2. Press the Bang Bang Pop Pop Russians Dead, Yanks ain't (you don't expect a rhyme in this cheap story do you?') button.
Finding the button Bert pressed it.
Around the world every single American Missile ever made zoomed off towards Russian.
The Kremlin wondered if the British were filming WarGames II6 or if World War III had started. Taking a vote they chose number 2. And shot all their missile at America.
'3. Wait 4 minutes for the bang.'
Bert couldn't wait so he turned into a carrot changed his name to Fred (Because of the worlds.... oh don't worry) and teleported back to Goblin land, glad that he had greatly improved the goblinland/Earth relations.
Back on earth a man sold a pair of green socks.
Back on earth a man ate a biscuit.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
M!
Back on earth a single man (The only survivor) wondered why today the daily version of
'neighbours' was late!
The End
And good luck to all you sane people out there
(C) Robin 'my IQ is -54 what's yours?' Langridge 1989
Still reading? In that case Bye! (Unk7!Unk!Bing!Band!Bong! Weeee!)
---
Footnotes
1 Originally intended to indicate Unsuitable.
2 I have no idea where this phrase originated from.
3 Token Garfield reference, I was a big fan at the time.
4 Plug type unknown.
5 Possibly my first ever semi-Python inspired comedy skit.
6 Although I hadn't actually seen the original at this point.
7 The mystic legacy of the word 'unk' has sadly been lost to the mists of time8, suffice it to say at the time this word had great power in the world9 and loud was it's shouting across hill and vale.
8 and more importantly my lousy memory
9 Or at least the computer room
[Poll #148837]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-06-22 03:29 pm (UTC)And Random Pedant Point1, you can do better footnotes with <sup> tags.
1 Yes, this footnote exists purely to demonstrate footnotes. Deny it if you can. Buahahaa.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-23 01:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-23 12:19 am (UTC)More!
no subject
Date: 2003-06-23 01:31 am (UTC)