robinbloke | Meme a meme me meme

ASCII Hex is hurting my brain, so it's meme time

If I were a stone, I would be: Large, grey and probably really, really bored.
If I were a tree, I would be: A oak, with extra long branches to swat any bastich who tried to chop me down.
If I were a bird, I would be: A pigeon, ubiquitous and evil.
If I were a machine, I would be: A fuel injected gas turbine turbo lawnmower of doom! Ahem.
If I were a tool, I would be: A spork.
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: Grass!
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: Light rain.
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: The Loch Ness Monster, then I'd open a francise and start autographs, sue anyone who'd done misreprentational images of myself, get into movies, the whole nine wossanames
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: One of those arcaic bleepy casio keyboards
If I were an animal, I would be a: Go on, make a really wild guess. Heres a hint
If I were a color, I would be: Forest Green
If I were an emotion, I would be: Changing every other minute.
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Suicidal! Ahhhhh! ~bounds for a cliff~
If I were a sound, I would be: Pumping techno music. Erm, no. Really cheesy 80's music. Erm, no, trancey, no ambiant... erm, probably a grating mishmash of sound.
If I were an Element, I would be: Platinum, not for looks or anything, 'cos what it does.
If I were a car, I would be: An AC Cobra? (I wish) Erm, A little hatchback thing
If I were a song, I would be: Orbital - Beached
If I were to trade places with another person, it would be:
If I were a movie, I would be: Must not say Fight Club, must not say Fight Club... <cough> Fight Club. Dammit.
If I were a food, I would be: Molasses
If I were a place, I would be: A forest (Que Cure song...)
If I were a material, I would be: C 6 H 12 O 6
If I were a taste, I would be: Begins with an S.. S,S,S... Sugar.
If I were a religion, I would be: Inverse Buddhism
If I were a word, I would be: SPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN
If I were an object, I would be: Objectionable.
If I were a body part I would be: (deeep breath) The SPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN
If I were a facial expression I would be: A grin
If I were a subject in school I would be: Geek studies
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Captain Caveman - he got all the girls.
If I were a shape I would be a: Rhomboid
If I were a number I would be: PI
If I were a month I would be: April, theres a reason in song there...
If I were a day of the week I would be: Saturday
If I were a time of day I would be: Midnight
If I were a direction I would be: That wrong turn you took six miles back that put you on the motorway with no exit for 60 miles.
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: Futon
If I were a sin I would be: Gluttony, or Lust, or Avarice or Sloth... damn, so many good choices!
If I were a historical figure I would be: Dead. Dead as a can of spam.
If I were a liquid I would be: Orange Juice, I drink enough of the damn stuff.
If I were a method of death I would be: Drowning in fudge or more likely, a heart attack