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Ghost in the Deus ex Machina
Sep. 6th, 2006 02:40 pmThe only good thing about Chemistry is generally, if cartoons are to believed at least1, things can explode surprisingly easily if poked, dropped, smashed, waved, looked at, handled by coyotes, subjected to gamma rays or put into microwaves.
Chemistry is however a big fat liar. When I was young and impressionable2 I was lured into the chemistry class with big bottles labelled ACID and DANGEROUS, we boiled our metal pencil sharpeners in bottles of concentrated sulphuric, we set the roof on fire, one of my friends smuggled a load of chemicals out of the lab and set his room on fire trying to make nitro-glycerine4. Those were the days of chemistry, when protons and electrons were little swirly balls of stuff that all made sense.
Then when I left secondary school I learnt it was all fibs and make believe - they may as well have told me that the electron pixie flies around the proton dragon as it curls around its mystic horde of neutrons. PAH! PAH! No they told me, this was in fact all a pack of lies. In fact we didn't actually know where the electron was, oh no, just where it was likely to be. And, besides this, a father and son team managed to prove the damn things were actually waves and particles at the same time.
Right.
Thanks a lot chemistry.
Just trying to make sure my brain was hurting, right?
I tried to give you a chance, chemistry, I really did. Then I found out that in fact all this new stuff I was learning about Chemistry was in fact a load of tosh as well, and in fact it was all to do with particles inside the electron and inside the other things that had weird shapes and sounds and colours and whatnot. It sounded more like someone had been using their research money to snort things generally considered more common in illegal laboratories rather than do any actual research.
And then there was string theory, great, thanks a load.
It's little wonder I turned into the cynical lump of greymatter I am today.
Now, the other sciences I look at equally dubiously; physics has yet to turn on me - but I know it's just waiting until my back is turned then BAM 50,000 volts through my spine like a static charge from a womble in a tumbledrier. And Biology, I've never trusted it either. Given that it produced me in the first place I think that's basis enough to be damn suspicious about it's motives. You hear me? Eh? Don't think I didn't catch you talking to Psychology on the side there. Bloody sciences.
And the other meta-sciences are no better, mish mashes of information in sub sections with headings you need a mouth that can juggle marbles just to say. They all lie, lie I tell you. And maths just makes my head hurt beyond a certain point.
I mean; I cheered as I untwisted the logic of quadratic equations and hell, even sine and cosine make sense to me. But then you start to look a little wider and find tangent, ooooh it's so simple, so fundamental. It just happens to figure in an impossible to deal with number into it's fundamental whole curve structure.
And hey, that said while we're about it what about zero eh? I think the ol' ancient civilisations had the right idea avoiding that whole deal, one little divide by zero and wham, you're back into the mystic realms of infinity again and it's "Do not pass go, do not collect 200 decimal points".
So even maths, which I was counting as the last bastion of reliability in this whole wacky thing we call existence is ultimately going to do your head in like a rabid pygmy beating you over the noggin with a barrel full of weasels or something.
And they6 wonder why people go mad...
1 Animaniacs is now on DVD. I may have mentioned this before.
2 3
3 This line intentionally left blank
4 He now works for a biotechnical company in Boston, no doubt trying to create the next line of genetic super-zombies.5
5 The first line of genetic super zombies were created by MTV in the 90s in laboratory conditions.
6 The man, Global corporations, Big brother, The clockwork mice and all their little
Chemistry is however a big fat liar. When I was young and impressionable2 I was lured into the chemistry class with big bottles labelled ACID and DANGEROUS, we boiled our metal pencil sharpeners in bottles of concentrated sulphuric, we set the roof on fire, one of my friends smuggled a load of chemicals out of the lab and set his room on fire trying to make nitro-glycerine4. Those were the days of chemistry, when protons and electrons were little swirly balls of stuff that all made sense.
Then when I left secondary school I learnt it was all fibs and make believe - they may as well have told me that the electron pixie flies around the proton dragon as it curls around its mystic horde of neutrons. PAH! PAH! No they told me, this was in fact all a pack of lies. In fact we didn't actually know where the electron was, oh no, just where it was likely to be. And, besides this, a father and son team managed to prove the damn things were actually waves and particles at the same time.
Right.
Thanks a lot chemistry.
Just trying to make sure my brain was hurting, right?
I tried to give you a chance, chemistry, I really did. Then I found out that in fact all this new stuff I was learning about Chemistry was in fact a load of tosh as well, and in fact it was all to do with particles inside the electron and inside the other things that had weird shapes and sounds and colours and whatnot. It sounded more like someone had been using their research money to snort things generally considered more common in illegal laboratories rather than do any actual research.
And then there was string theory, great, thanks a load.
It's little wonder I turned into the cynical lump of greymatter I am today.
Now, the other sciences I look at equally dubiously; physics has yet to turn on me - but I know it's just waiting until my back is turned then BAM 50,000 volts through my spine like a static charge from a womble in a tumbledrier. And Biology, I've never trusted it either. Given that it produced me in the first place I think that's basis enough to be damn suspicious about it's motives. You hear me? Eh? Don't think I didn't catch you talking to Psychology on the side there. Bloody sciences.
And the other meta-sciences are no better, mish mashes of information in sub sections with headings you need a mouth that can juggle marbles just to say. They all lie, lie I tell you. And maths just makes my head hurt beyond a certain point.
I mean; I cheered as I untwisted the logic of quadratic equations and hell, even sine and cosine make sense to me. But then you start to look a little wider and find tangent, ooooh it's so simple, so fundamental. It just happens to figure in an impossible to deal with number into it's fundamental whole curve structure.
And hey, that said while we're about it what about zero eh? I think the ol' ancient civilisations had the right idea avoiding that whole deal, one little divide by zero and wham, you're back into the mystic realms of infinity again and it's "Do not pass go, do not collect 200 decimal points".
So even maths, which I was counting as the last bastion of reliability in this whole wacky thing we call existence is ultimately going to do your head in like a rabid pygmy beating you over the noggin with a barrel full of weasels or something.
And they6 wonder why people go mad...
1 Animaniacs is now on DVD. I may have mentioned this before.
2 3
3 This line intentionally left blank
4 He now works for a biotechnical company in Boston, no doubt trying to create the next line of genetic super-zombies.5
5 The first line of genetic super zombies were created by MTV in the 90s in laboratory conditions.
6 The man, Global corporations, Big brother, The clockwork mice and all their little
