Right, that's it; Monday shall be a bane to me no longer. By the power officially vested in me I officially rename today 'Blargday' because frankly that's how everyone feels after the weekend. I may also rename Friday to 'Atlastday' but this will be pending the publics reaction to my first change as unrecognized leader of this country.
Real issues, that's what it's about. Vote for me and I will address all the important issues.
Business: The government will purchase the Mars corporation in whole, profits will be split 50/50 between the business and the government. In addition Marathon and Opal fruits will be changed back to their one true name. Since this country runs on sweets and beer anyway.
Energy: The national energy crisis will be solved by banning standard lightbulbs and forcing the introduction of energy saver ones instead. Anyone owning a 4x4 who doesn't have a trailer or at least a weeks worth of mud on it will be towed around their city behind it weekly.
Transport Companies over will be required to provide a subsidized bus service, in addition roving packs of entertainment llamas will be used to assist in the rush hour by standing by the side of the road and looking amusing in order to calm people down.
Crime 'Tit for tat' will be introduced; with people immediately fined whatever they stole plus 20% extra for being a git. A new national program will be added "Who's a naughty thing then?" where people are dragged to boot camp and forcibly re-educated and disciplined whilst at the same time providing prime time TV. This will remove prison crowding and provide extra funding for the BBC.
Health Beer and other alcoholic beverages will be required to carry a small percentage of certain vitamins in them, since we may as well get people healthy with the one guaranteed product that just about everyone drinks.
So, vote for me now or at least call today 'Blargday'.
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