Crouching manager leaping project-leader

My office has been invaded by suits; well people wearing suits but suits as well, all clusered around the water cooler like some gathering of animals around the watering hole. None of them actually look like that they know why they're here, or what or who they're looking for, they're just glancing left and right as they stand there. Uneasy. Waiting for a lion to pass by their little oasis.
Maybe the suits are controlling them, I mean wearing a suit does something to you - you have to spend so much care and attention on the damn things that in the end, they control you, they sap your will and leech into your brain through poly-synthetic fibres that run up your spinal cortex and invade your subconcious whispering quiet words to you as you move like you need matching socks and more silk ties more silk ties. Quite nefarious really, it's probably all part of the grand conspiracy and fits in there somewhere between barcodes and the FBI mind control lasers.
All I can say is I'm glad I'm not wearing a tie today...

Instantly attract (insert prefered gender)!

I have this magical new way to attract peoples attention, it came to me in a flash of inspiration when I recieved yet another spam titled vaguely as above; it's fat free, it's entirely legal, virtually everyone wants it, everyone can use it, it's available and usable my man and woman alike, you can get it it lots of places but getting a lot of it is hard, and therefore it is desireable which makes it the ideal thing to attract peoples attention with. What is this miracle thing? Cash. Yes siree, ladies and gentlemen, just wave a wodge of fat £50's around in the air and see how much attention you get.
Thank you, and goodnight.