(no subject)

[robinbloke]

Bob: Hello folks, and welcome to this special Antarctic edition of 'Insanity Deathmatch' a no-holds barred fight to the death. I'm Bob, and I'll be your commentator, for what promises to be the match of the century!

*The crowd make various cheers and hoots, then huddle together for warmth*

Bob: Our first contestant, standing by the white iceberg, is Eric the Penguin. Eric is a Gentoo penguin, weighing in at approximately 6kg and 70cm tall, Eric is a fine representation of the tallest member of the Pygoscelis species of penguins. He is armed with a fearsome beak, swift manoeuvrability underwater and artic camouflage.

*The crowd cheers, several crack open thermos’s of tea*

Bob: And currently under the water, weighing in at 7,925 tons with a length of 114 metres is the USS Texas. A US navy SSN class attack submarine. The Texas is armed with Tomahawk cruise missiles and type 48 torpedoes plus advanced mobile mines.

*The crowd blink and mutter to themselves, wondering if the area they're in constitutes a blast zone*

*Eric waddles meaningfully around a little, flapping his wings to loosen them up*

Jim: Well Bob, it looks like Eric's got his work cut out for him here, the Texas can make 25 knots underwater and those missiles are going to make a hell of a mess around the area he's in, bookies are running this fight at ten million to one against, being a sportsman I remortgaged my house and bet on Eric.

Bob: It's the smart move on your part Jim, and when you lose you can live in my cellar and clean my toilet, like we planned.

Jim: Thanks Bob. Well it looks like Eric's limbered up and he's off, waddling across that ice in what can only be described as a manner that implies it's not his ideal terrain.

Bob: It's the smart move on his part, although the Texas isn't going to have a great amount of manoeuvrability up on the surface with all this ice, Eric has a much better chance in the sea where those tomahawks can't turn him into so much Orca-food.

Jim: Too right Bob, experts are still at a loss to explain how a 6kg penguin is exactly going to do any damage to 1.65 billion dollar attack submarine, but then since when is something like that stopping us making a show?

Bob: Too right Jim, it's all about ratings and advertising.

*Both presenters sip conspicuously from Coca-Cola brand cups as the TV zooms into Eric who appears to be wearing a Nike shirt of some kind.*

Jim: I'll never understand how he got that sponsorship, Bob.

Bob: Me neither, but then again this show has a lot to answer for in the first place.

*Eric reaches a small hole in the ice just as, with a thunderous roar, a missile smashes through another section not 100 yards away and screams into the air*

Jim: Looks like an opening salvo from the Texas, Jim. It's what we expected.

Bob: Yes Jim, guess we'll see how effective that penguin seeking radar the Captain has been going on about is going to be.

*The missile describes a graceful arc in the sky, pauses... turns left and right a bit before plummeting onto the crowd in a huge explosion*

Bob: Damn, there goes our crowd.

Jim: Yes, but that just doubled our ratings.

Bob: Excellent, que the commercials.

~One commercial tie in later~

Jim: Welcome back, well Eric has managed to get within 200 yards of the Texas, which at the moment is abandoning torpedoes in favour of reversing into him with his prop blades.

Bob: Those blades will turn him into so much penguin-kebab Jim, if he's not careful, the captains playing safe, no telling what damage an angered penguin can do.

Jim: Too right Jim.

Bob: You're Jim.

Jim: I am?

Bob: Anyway...

*Meanwhile, underwater the Texas reverses backwards at a rate of knots towards the hapless Eric, who seems largely concerned with trying to find himself a fish to eat*

Bob: Looks like it's all going to be over Jim, Eric's found himself a shoal of fish and that distraction could prove fatal.

Jim: Yes Bob, thinking with his stomach could well prove to be a fatal move, the captain is moving in fast there.

*The Texas moves backwards ever faster, at almost the last minute Eric dives straight down, out of the reach of the turmoil of the blades and swims straight underneath the sub.*

Jim: Oh my word, the Texas is in trouble now, there’s no telling what an enraged penguin will do.

Bob: I can see the captains got the periscope up and... no, Eric's heading for it, this is the move he was waiting for.

*Eric swims up as the periscope swivels around and proceeds to peck like a maniac on the front of it, there is an implausible shatter and the periscope buckles as water swooshes down it*

Bob: Oh I can't believe it, it's all over for the Texas... I can hear the claxon sounding inside the bridge already, 1.65 billion dollars of technology defeated by a 13 pound seabird.

Jim: I bet that wasn't in any of their wargames simulations, Bob.

Bob: You can bet your boots on that Jim, any final comments?

Jim: Well I won my bet, so I'll be buying that south sea island now Bob.

Bob: Bastard.

Jim: And it's goodnight from me as well.

Comments

[sunflowerinrain.livejournal.com]

ohhh wonderful
Do you mind if I point friends at it? I want to share it with them!

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Sure, go for it :)

[emperor]

*giggle*

So, they do let you take crack at work, then? :-)

Can I nominate William Gates for a deathmatch? :)

[riksowden.livejournal.com]

Nice...

I won't point out that the cracking periscope wouldn't sink the sub shall i?

*grin*

[hazeii.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the pointer :)

Must admit, I was thinking "Tux vs. Gates" within the first couple of lines!

[diffrentcolours]

If Eric were a Gentoo penguin, he'd be a lot less stable and would probably require several hours of recompilation to cope with the nuclear sub...

[ua-meruti.livejournal.com]

verily, thou art a nutter... good show sir!
I feel I need to point people in the direction of this as well.

[toxicpixie.livejournal.com]

/pedant

Or that SSN is the type designation, not the class ;)

And I suspect the Yanks may be on waterjet propulsion, not propellers now (a la the newer Trafalgers, and some of the Russkie boats) but as I'm at work I don't have my refernece works handy ;)

/pedant off

V. funny tho :D

Nathan, The Toxic Pixie

[riksowden.livejournal.com]

heh!