(no subject)

[robinbloke]

The last wisp of smoke curled away from the end of the cigarette, the red ember spluttering in the murky oil of the liquid on the floor.
"That only works in movies." said the voice from the other side of the garage, his point emphasided by the all too real barrel of the automatic he was holding.
The figure at the other side of the pool of petrol crouched, tensing for the moment, but the sudden sharp barking retort from the gun gave no warning.
The sound of the empty shell casing hitting the floor was drowned out by the much louder thump of a body falling onto the concrete.

Comments

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

Interesting.
One point of critique: "the all too real barrel of the short barrel automatic" sounds really awkward.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

~nod~ Thanks.

It was a "snubnose revolver" before, but then I changed it because I wanted a shell casing to hit the floor, which you don't get with six shooters.

I broke my rule of not repeating words in sentences, or indeed in nearby sentences.

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

maybe "the all too real muzzle/presence/threat of ..." or something along those lines would work better?
As strange as it may sound, I can tell when something doesn't work but it's very hard for me to actually write something nice...