Culinary Conquests

[robinbloke]

Hello, my name is Robin and I'm a carnivore.

I don't believe this is something I need to particularly confess, it's more just a way of starting a conversation thread and then luring you into my usual rambling style. Then before you know it you're two sentences into this and you wonder if I'm actually going to go anywhere with this.
At this point, traditionally, an evil cackle is normally appropriate.

However, partially in deference to the many people I know who are vegetarians and partially because I wanted to see if I could actually manage it without being physically sick yesterday for the first time in my life I attempted to eat five a day. For those of you not in the know it's the laudable idea to try and get people to eat more healthily by eating five different kinds of fruit and vegetables a day¹.

When you're me, this is not an easy thing. Now, most people have one or two veggies they don't like; for myself I view with distaste that can only be purged with napalm any large gathering of the green growing freakish things anywhere near me. It's not so much the taste of these things, which in itself is usually bad enough, but the texture of these things that generally turns my stomach - but enough of my weird ways (Read the book when it is published) - onwards to my Herculean task:

So five a day; this had to principally consist of fruit if I was going to have any chance whatsoever of achieving it, and the first two were pretty easy; I drink enough orange juice to power a sizeable Tango factory so that wasn’t too bad; add to this a crunchy apple and I'm 40% of the way there already. Which is where things get difficult as there is very little else I could eat.
After some searching and thought I finally located some dried banana chips, which were close enough for me. Over halfway there, see, it couldn't possibly be that bad could it?
But by the time for my evening meal, time is running out, from hereon things aren't easy; a side order of new spuds² with my cod fillets got me almost there - but what else?

Microwaved peas, left over from another meal with strangely healthily visitors. Yum. Oh yes. Yum yum. Bleh.

And with that victory was in my grasp; the tape was cut, the pigs flew and nations cheered. The vegetables had been defeated. After that amount of effort I was certain that I had consumed enough vegeons or whatever it is that is supposed to lie within their fowl green contents to last me a decade at least, I'd lasted this long without them and I think I can manage a pretty long while again without them.

I'm sticking to sugar.



1 This is actually meant to be five different kinds of fresh fruit or veg a day, but I'll need every break I can get here.
2 Although I will contest these are a root and not a vegetable in every other argument I make.

Comments

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

I wholly support your textural statement, as that is what makes me unable to stomach cucumber, courgettes or tomatoes either whole or sliced. De-seeded is another matter, as are gherkins.

Have you considered pan fried peppers or raw carrot, they tend to have less gooey natures

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

None of the vegetables I've ever cooked are "gooey". The problem is that people in this country tend to overcook them.

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

I'd point out that tomatoes, cucumber and corguettes are all gooey when raw :P

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

And evil, don't forget evil.

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

Let me hit you with a proper (i.e. not vat grown) courgette or cucumber and then tell me again they are gooey.
A nice tomato will have very little goo factor, too, just the bit around the seeds.

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

Not just in, but also of ethnic extraction. E.G., my mother is 2nd-Generation American, 100% ethnic Irish. Her parents were born in the US, she was born in the US...

Now, for the revelation: When I once was cooking a meal, recently in fact, she informed me that I surely had to steam that broccoli for at least 20 minutes before it was "done." I grew up completely unaware that vegetables could provide resistance to dental equipment (or, therefore, you know, nourishment), because the "Boil the ever-loving-bejeebus out" factor apparently holds on for generations.

This has been a public-service announcement from the Irish-American Council on Cuisine (or "IACC" - the sound one makes when eating a quite thoroughly boiled dinner).

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

*horrified*

Broccoli is a bit tricky, though. The florets would only need a few minutes but the stems tend to be quite tough. Although I found that the better the qality is, the more tender (tenderer?) the stems will be.

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

Tricky, perhaps... But this was predominately florets, with some small-sliced wedges of stalk, I admit, as a bottom layer, but only a tiny portion. Having grown up viewing broccoli predominately as a vehicle by which to carry butter or melted cheese to the mouth, I focus on the section that makes a better vehicle for such, obviously.

Bear in mind, for efficiency, I was boiling the carrots in the pot from which the steam would reach the broccoli, and they as well would surely need more time on the boil before I could put the broccoli on for its "brief" 20-minute sauna.

But enough visceral horror for you, stranger. ;) At the end of the day, it's really just a product of the culinary heritage based on "Keep a pot boiling, dump what you've found in it, and scrape the bottom when you're hungry." And, as any hyphenated-American will tell you, We Must Be True To The Ways Of Our Ancestors.

(PS - the proper comparative is "tenderiour", and let no one tell you otherwise.)

[simonsatori.livejournal.com]

It does work the other way though. Recent studies say that raw carrots are useless for humans as we can't break down their tough cellulose walls to get at the vitamins and nutrients. Everyone knows that the incredible strength of the cellulose in sweetcorn means that it may prove a great material for making space rockets from, but is of little use to humanity. Potatoes also need to breakdown a bit before their vitamins are accessable to us.

Also food science is a ridiculous study that changes daily and the current fascination with 'roughage' and 'fibre' (material that passes through the body with little or no nutritional effect) is hilarious. I could eat this keyboard and it would have as much roughage as a sack of brocolli.

But then I'm really just playing devil's advocate because I feel Robin needs an philosophical ally (and I refuse to let the fact that his eating habits are indefensable get in the way of my defense of them!!)

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Carrot I can manage if, and only if, it's been soaking for hours in a cassarole dish with a load of spuds, beef and yummy dumplings so it is utterly mushy and soaked with meaty juices :)

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

Which defeats the purpose as all vitamins and goodness will be gone.