Culinary Conquests

[robinbloke]

Hello, my name is Robin and I'm a carnivore.

I don't believe this is something I need to particularly confess, it's more just a way of starting a conversation thread and then luring you into my usual rambling style. Then before you know it you're two sentences into this and you wonder if I'm actually going to go anywhere with this.
At this point, traditionally, an evil cackle is normally appropriate.

However, partially in deference to the many people I know who are vegetarians and partially because I wanted to see if I could actually manage it without being physically sick yesterday for the first time in my life I attempted to eat five a day. For those of you not in the know it's the laudable idea to try and get people to eat more healthily by eating five different kinds of fruit and vegetables a day¹.

When you're me, this is not an easy thing. Now, most people have one or two veggies they don't like; for myself I view with distaste that can only be purged with napalm any large gathering of the green growing freakish things anywhere near me. It's not so much the taste of these things, which in itself is usually bad enough, but the texture of these things that generally turns my stomach - but enough of my weird ways (Read the book when it is published) - onwards to my Herculean task:

So five a day; this had to principally consist of fruit if I was going to have any chance whatsoever of achieving it, and the first two were pretty easy; I drink enough orange juice to power a sizeable Tango factory so that wasn’t too bad; add to this a crunchy apple and I'm 40% of the way there already. Which is where things get difficult as there is very little else I could eat.
After some searching and thought I finally located some dried banana chips, which were close enough for me. Over halfway there, see, it couldn't possibly be that bad could it?
But by the time for my evening meal, time is running out, from hereon things aren't easy; a side order of new spuds² with my cod fillets got me almost there - but what else?

Microwaved peas, left over from another meal with strangely healthily visitors. Yum. Oh yes. Yum yum. Bleh.

And with that victory was in my grasp; the tape was cut, the pigs flew and nations cheered. The vegetables had been defeated. After that amount of effort I was certain that I had consumed enough vegeons or whatever it is that is supposed to lie within their fowl green contents to last me a decade at least, I'd lasted this long without them and I think I can manage a pretty long while again without them.

I'm sticking to sugar.



1 This is actually meant to be five different kinds of fresh fruit or veg a day, but I'll need every break I can get here.
2 Although I will contest these are a root and not a vegetable in every other argument I make.

Comments

[whiskeylover.livejournal.com]

Well, whiskey is distilled from malted barley & grain, which must count as vegetables, surely. Beer is made from hops & barley, so more veggies there, Cows eat mostly grass, so that makes them virtually vegetarian, and sugar is produced from sugar beet- definitely a vegetable. And then there's the slice of lemon or lime in my Gin & Tonic, and HUZZAH, I'm there- 5 fruit & veg thingies a day.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

I salute your meal habits!

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

I concur on every point - applaud, even. In particular, I think the efficiency of meat is misunderstood. By eating beef, we are avoiding the arduous task of ourselves foraging through that poisonous green crap that sprouts out of the dirt (DIRT I tell you, I've seen it! Often covered in animal feces!); we let the cow do the work of distilling the valuable nutrition in its many stomachs, practically designed for the task, then we reap the rewards of all that painful vegetation-consumption in one fell swoop!

[simonsatori.livejournal.com]

There was a great comedy/detective thingy on radio 4 a couple of days ago where the main character answered criticisms about his unhealthy diet:

'Whiskey's made from barley and grain and stuff... it's practically muesli!'